BETH EL CONGREGATION
ILLNESS, DEATH AND BEREAVEMENT RESOURCE GUIDE
"To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven." Kohelet (Ecclesiastes 3:1)Editorial Committee: Hedda S. Morton, Marsha Friedman, Kay Lipton
Rabbi Hazzan Jeremy Lipton, ex officio
At Beth El, in addition to our Rabbi and professional staff, we have a Caring Committee, a community Chevra Kaddisha, and individuals who are willing to step forward when asked.
Contact Rabbi Lipton ASAP when death is imminent or has occurred at 330-864-2105 x 114 or 210-410-7003
Other Important Numbers:
Beth El Congregation provides its members with a network of support, which helps to guide them through life’s most challenging moments. In our prayer services, we pray for members and their extended family by name. When our office is notified of an illness, our clergy regularly visit those who are hospitalized or homebound. When family, doctors or hospice workers feel that the end of life may be near, clergy are often asked to come to the bedside to offer the final prayers known as the Viddui.
Bikur Cholim, visiting the sick, is a term that refers to a wide range of activities performed by an individual or a group to provide comfort and support to people who are ill, homebound, isolated and/or otherwise in distress. The act of Bikur Cholim is a mitzvah, a moral and spiritual obligation incumbent upon all Jews to perform. Bikur Cholim reflects the primary Biblical value “And you shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18). By fulfilling this role, we deeply enrich both our lives and the lives of those we visit.
Bikur Cholim can include such activities as: visiting patients in a hospital, rehabilitation center or nursing home, visiting people who are restricted to their homes, transporting those who are ill or impaired on errands or field trips, and providing telephone contact and reassurance to those who are ill or homebound.
What kinds of things do those engaged in Bikur Cholim do? Either as an individual, or as part of a coordinated team, there are many ways to help:
With the generous support of the Saferstein Caring Fund, Beth El’s Caring Committee reaches out to congregants who are ill, recently hospitalized or who have given birth, have recently experienced the loss of a loved one, or who feel disconnected from the community. Our committee makes telephone calls and/or visits, providing ongoing comfort or companionship. If you know someone who would benefit from outreach from this committee, please contact Hedda Morton at heddamorton@gmail.com.
Jewish tradition emphasizes how important it is to reach out and visit those who may be ill, offering support and comfort. In addition, there is a formal Mi Shebeirach prayer for healing of body and spirit which is offered during services. To have your name or the name of a loved one added to the Mi Shebeirach list, contact Erin Katz, Executive Director via email erinkatzford@bethelakron.org or phone at 330-864-2105 x118.
The final prayer that is offered by or for a dying individual is the Viddui, a “final confessional” similar to prayers that we say on Yom Kippur, where we ask forgiveness for our past actions. Through the Viddui, we recognize that we are not the masters of our own lives, but rather, all life is in God’s hands. And yet, even as we acknowledge our mortality through the words of this final prayer, we affirm the gift of life and the faith of our people.
There are a number of ways that supporters can help to enable the patient to let go. Among them are helping with last wishes, arranging wills, contacting long lost relatives or friends, funeral arrangements, etc. Finally, for family and friends, the most important message to the dying at the end of life may be to say, “You will not be forgotten.” Everyone wants to feel that his or her life has had meaning to someone. Everyone wants to feel that a contribution has been made to this life that will be remembered. It is important for the dying person to hear from loved ones that they are loved, that they have changed your life, and that they will be remembered.
Jewish tradition creates a path for the mourners to be acknowledged, supported, and guided through the days, weeks, and months after their loss. A mourner is obligated to mourn for a father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister (including half-brothers and half-sisters), husband, or wife. Both males and females past the age of Bar or Bat Mitzvah should observe the laws of mourning. While one is permitted to observe mourning rites for others, those who wish to do so should consult with the Rabbi.
There are three values inherent in our Jewish mourning practices as we care for the deceased and comfort the mourners.
Funeral ritual is thus preeminently designed as an act of k’vod ha-met, “honoring the dead.” A corpse may not be subject to autopsy, for instance, nor may it be embalmed, except under unusual circumstances where not to embalm would dishonor the dead even more–as in preparing a body for burial far away, by which time if it has not been embalmed, it would putrefy; and even then, the embalming procedure must retain the body intact.
This same spirit is expressed in the Hebrew word for funeral – halevayah – or the more familiar Yiddish word – levayah – both of which mean “to accompany.” Jewish tradition tells us that we are here to accompany the deceased to their place of rest, and to accompany the mourners through their grief.
Comforting mourners is a way of showing concern for those in distress, showing them that they are neither abandoned nor alone. It is not necessary to have complete knowledge, OR all the answers, or insights, wisdom, or experience to comfort mourners.
The mitzvah of comforting mourners begins after the burial. In our community, it begins at the close of the funeral when those attending the burial form two lines and as the mourners walk through, community members console them with the traditional sentence of consolation:
HaMakom y’nachem etchem b’toch sh’ar aveilei tzion virushalayim (May God console you together with everyone who mourns for Zion and Jerusalem).
The most common time to console mourners is during shivah (“seven”), the seven-day mourning period that follows burial. This is not a simple social visit; the aim is to show the mourner that one is concerned about his or her distress.
One should visit the shivah house of a mourner who is a friend or relative, a member of one’s community, or a mourner who has no other visitors.
Attending daily prayer services held at the shivah home is a good way to show concern for the mourners, since it ensures the presence of a minyan (a quorum of ten), which is required for the recitation of the Mourner’s Kaddish.
Another way of showing concern is bringing food to the shivah house; this ensures that the mourners do not have to cook meals for themselves.
When it is not possible to visit during shivah, notes of condolence are a way of expressing concern and sympathy.
During the period between death and burial the mourner is known as an onen. The onen is obligated to arrange for the funeral and burial of the dead. In recognition of this obligation and of the mourner’s fragile state of mind at this time, the onen is exempt from fulfilling certain other religious duties, such as reciting prayers, or putting on tefillin, etc., and is not called to the Torah. In essence, an onen is released from fulfilling all positive commandments. On Shabbat or a Festival, however, an onen may attend services.
The following steps take place during the funeral and burial:
Mourner’s Kaddish
The Mourner’s Kaddish is a familiar (and yet unfamiliar) text that is most closely associated with the process of mourning and remembering others who are no longer physically with us.
It is sometimes difficult for a mourner to reintegrate into a community after the loss of a close relation. Equally, it may be difficult for the community to know how to receive a mourner in its midst. In reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish, the mourner takes a formal role in relation to the community. The mourner is able to say: “I am here in your midst, praying alongside you;” and the congregation can respond: “Along with you, we all turn our eyes to God.”
The prophet Ezekiel remarks that after great tragedy, God’s name will become great throughout the world (38:23); with some grammatical changes, these are the first words of the Mourner’s Kaddish. By the end of the Mourner’s Kaddish, whatever our loss, whatever tragedy we have suffered, we look to God in hope and we hold on to a vision of some moment when we all may be at peace.
The Mourner’s Kaddish is generally thought of as a prayer for the dead, but it does not mention death or the dead. Reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish is an act of faith, expressing hope in the presence of grief. We praise God with the words of the Mourner’s Kaddish, accepting God’s sovereignty and affirming life in this world. In Jewish tradition, this takes place in public assembly. Therefore the Mourner’s Kaddish is recited only in the presence of a minyan.
Recitation of Mourner’s Kaddish provides comfort and consolation to the mourner. Often, it is very difficult to know what to say to a mourner, and yet when the minyan responds with the appropriate words (at the same time that the mourner is standing), it is as if those words and the voices of those present offer comfort, since the mourner senses the presence of everyone around him or her.
When we say Mourner’s Kaddish, according to some, we are offering consolation to God for God’s own loss. With the death of a human being, God’s name has been diminished. We therefore ask that God’s name be magnified and sanctified and continue to reign eternally. The overall message is that God cares for each and every individual.
The Mourner’s Kaddish is recited for one’s parents for eleven months on the Hebrew calendar beginning on the day of the funeral. It is recited for other relatives for thirty days, although some may choose to extend its recitation for eleven or twelve months. The Mourner’s Kaddish is also recited on each anniversary of the death (Yahrzeit), and, commonly at Yizkor and holidays.
Shivah means seven, the number of days in the stage of mourning which begins after the burial. Mourners remain at the home of the deceased or of a mourner, away from their normal routine that death has interrupted. Upon returning home from the burial, mourners customarily light a seven-day memorial candle. They abstain from business and professional activities, sexual intimacy, bathing, using cosmetics, shaving, and cutting their hair. Because mourners should not be concerned with their own physical needs, it is customary to cover all mirrors during shivah.
How long is shivah? The day of burial counts as the first day of shivah, with the first three days constituting the period of most intense mourning. During this initial period, a mourner should not greet others, and others should not have that expectation, but mourners may initiate a conversation. Mourners customarily sit on low benches or on the floor. Shivah ends on the morning of the seventh day.
Shabbat is included when counting the seven days, though on Shabbat one practices no public signs of mourning (one does not wear the k’riah); one may dress normally and sit on regular chairs. On Friday or the day before a Festival, shivah is observed until mid-afternoon.
Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, or a Festival (Pesach, Shavuot and Sukkot/Shemini Atzeret) cancels the remainder of shivah, provided that the mourner has observed at least one hour of shivah before the holiday. If one is unable to observe shivah before the Festival, or if a burial took place during the intermediate days of the Festival, observance of shivah does not begin until the conclusion of the Festival.
Sh’loshim (thirty) ends on the morning of the thirtieth day after the funeral. As with shivah, the start of a Festival shortens or cancels the remainder of sh’loshim.
The period from the end of shivah to the end of sh’loshim is one of transition from bereavement toward a resumption of life’s normal routine. During this period, traditionally mourners do not wear new clothes or cut their hair, nor do they participate in festive public gatherings.
At the end of sh’loshim, it is appropriate for family and friends to gather together to read or study sacred texts and to recall the deceased. When mourning a parent, mourners continue to avoid public festivities for twelve months.
The gravestone is a permanent reminder to us of the impact of their lives upon ours. An unveiling is another traditional touchpoint to help us create a sense of closure.
At the unveiling, we create the opportunity to reflect upon and express the unique gifts that our loved one has given to us, now through the lens of the perspective of time. How are we different than we were at the time of our loss? How have we been transformed? What teachings of theirs and memories remain strong?
An unveiling is not a funeral, but it does have certain characteristics in common. We recite the memorial prayer (El Malei Rachamim), say the Mourner’s Kaddish, and recite Psalm 23 or share other words of comfort and those that affirm life.
When should the unveiling take place? Any time after sh’loshim, but some prefer to plan it around the first Yahrzeit.
Yahrzeit is observed on each anniversary of the day of death according to the Hebrew calendar. One who is not certain of the day when a relative died should select an appropriate date on which to observe the Yahrzeit each year.
A yahrzeit candle should burn in the home during the twenty-four-hour period of the yahrzeit, just before sunset to the following sunset. When the Yahrzeit coincides with Shabbat, Yom Tov, or Yom Kippur, the Yahrzeit candle should be lit before Shabbat, Yom Tov, or Yom Kippur candles. When a Yahrzeit begins on Saturday night or after Yom Tov, the Yahrzeit candle should not be lit until after Havdalah.
Mourner’s Kaddish is recited by the immediate relatives at all services on the Yahrzeit. If one is unable to recite Kaddish on the actual day of the Yahrzeit, one may do so at the closest Shabbat service to that date. In our congregation, the weekly Yahrzeit list includes names of those whose Yahrzeits will occur during the coming week.
Yizkor means “memorial,” from the root word zakhor – remember. It is the memorial service, recited four times a year in the synagogue – after the Torah reading on Yom Kippur, Sh’mini Atzeret (the eighth day of Sukkot), the last day of Pesach, and the second day of Shavuot. Contrary to widespread opinion, a person with living parents may be present while Yizkor is recited.
Every life is a learning, every individual is a potential gateway to wisdom and life experiences. Click below for readings, reflections and blessings of memory for graveside visits.
Thank you to the Editorial Committee: Hedda S. Morton, Marsha Friedman, Kay Lipton, Rabbi Hazzan Jeremy Lipton, ex officio
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